Have you ever tried to have your child pause their video game when its time for dinner? Tried to get a toddler to hold your hand in a parking lot when they're intent on running straight through all the traffic? Had to tell one child that a sibling just finished off the snack they're now requesting? If you're like the rest of us, these things probably aren't always the calmest or most connective parts of family life.
Lots of parents want to know "How can I effectively set limits with my children while maintaining a positive relationship?"
Today, I will share a play therapy secret that parents are totally capable of adapting, AND you don't have to be a counselor to do it. This technique is called ACT Limit Setting, and it was created by renowned Child Centered Play Therapist, Garry Landreth.
First, let's talk about the parts, and then we will practice with a couple of situations. The basic structure is this:
A - Acknowledge the feeling
"You're feeling really _______". "Seems like you're feeling _______."
In these instances make sure you fill in the blank with an emotion like happy, sad, mad, scared, angry, etc. Try not to fill it with "You're feeling LIKE you don't..." Talking about feelings builds emotional vocabulary and awareness, and communicates to children that feelings are a normal part of being human.
C - Communicate the limit
"I can't let you ________." "That is not for _________."
Keep these short and sweet. You don't have to give a why or because here. These are simple statements of fact, and don't assign blame or fault.
T - Target acceptable alternatives
"You can use ______ or ______ instead." "Today we have ______ or ______."
Short and sweet, to the point, and make sure you're equally okay with any alternative options you offer. Options should NEVER be choose one or the other is a consequence (i.e. stop doing that right now or you're grounded.)
Let's try some practice! Say you find your child rooting through the pantry five minutes before dinner. You know they won't eat dinner if they grab a snack right now.
"You're super hungry. I can't let you have a snack right now. You can decide if you would like that for your bedtime snack, or to take for your school snack tomorrow."
Let's do one more. Your toddler bonks the baby on the head with a stuffed animal.
"You're feeling sad I'm holding her and not you. I can't let you hit baby sister. You can hit the couch or the carpet with your stuffy."
Tone of voice does matter here. Try to keep your voice neutral, gentle, and informative. You're human too, AND tone of voice can have a lot of effect on the outcome you want.
Some common questions:
What if I guess the wrong feeling? You likely will at some point! This is totally okay. This still helps validate your child, and still helps with emotional vocabulary and awareness. If they correct you ("I'm mad, not sad!") let them! Acknowledge their correction. "Oh, thanks for letting me know I got that wrong."
What if they still aren't doing the thing I need them to? You have some options here. If they continue the behavior or choose an alternative that is not acceptable you can, in the same gentle and informative tone, let them know that their choice isn't an acceptable option, and let them know that you're going to have to help them, then follow through. We'll use both our examples above:
"It looks like you're having trouble putting that snack back for now. I'm going to put it back for you and you can have it at another time."
or
"Seems like its hard to stop hitting baby sister. I'm going to help your body be safe right now." Followed by holding onto their hands or putting a hand on the stuffy.
ACT Limit setting can be adapted for use with a variety of ages, and a variety of situations. Here's a freebie to you from us on ACT Limit Setting!
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