Using Declarative Language: A Shift
- Cara Gruhala
- Oct 1
- 4 min read
If I was approached by any local school district, daycare, parenting collective, or other group that regularly works with young people, neurodivergent people, or any combination of these groups, for ideas on the most important topic that would help the largest amount of people it would hands down be implementing Declarative Language practices.
What is Declarative Language?
Declarative Language is a communication style that emphasizes observations, statements, thoughts, and feelings. Declarative Language allows those being communicated with to receive information with lower demand, and often the ability to truly process the information. This is very different from Imperative Language that might trigger stress or conflict due to perceived pressure of a demand, command, or question.
Why Declarative Language?
Declarative language has many benefits. First, it preserves autonomy. Feeling autonomous, or in control of our own lives when we can, is important for all humans. Being able to choose what or when to eat, what kinds of sounds are around you, how to structure your time, where and when to go somewhere, and when to rest are all examples of autonomous decisions. A sense of autonomy increases intrisic motivation (doing something without the external rewards like praise or money), engagement, task satisfaction, and improves overall wellbeing.
Declarative Language can also be a strong tool in increasing co-regulation, or the process of someone increasing their own regulation by being in the presence of, and interacting with, others who feel regulated.
One of the most important selling points for using Declarative Language is that in some individuals, experiencing demands such as commands, questions, directives or other types of Imperative Language actually pushes them out of their window of tolerance, and triggers their fight/flight/freeze reaction. When we are working from our amygdala in the fight/flight/freeze reaction, it is very difficult to access our prefrontal cortext that is responsible for logical thought such as planning, prioritizing, answering a question, or meeting any demand.
How Do I Use Declarative Language?
Let's consider several situations that contrast using Imperative Language with Declarative Language.
The first time I read about this, and honestly felt skeptical but open to trying, I went home to a living room covered in small toys. I wanted to lean on my typical Imperative Language response of "Please put all your toys back in the basket." In all honesty that one wasn't always predictably effective, and sometimes ended with a dysregulated toddler AND a dysregulated parent. I decided to give Declarative Language a try, sat down on the floor, my toddler approached, and I said "This is the basket for the toys." To my utter surpise as I picked up one toy, my toddler swept up a large armful and dumped them into the basket!
Here are a few more:
You would like your older child to wear a coat on a cold morning -
Imperative Language - "It's cold, grab your coat and put it on."
Declarative Language - "I wonder what the temperature is today? I know you said you were freezing during recess yesterday" or "Brr it's 32 degrees! I think we may need coats today!"
End of the day, your child arrives home and dumps everything on the floor, right in front of the door -
Imperative Language - "Pick up all those things you just dropped in front of the door!"
Declarative Language - "We might have trouble letting the dog out later with these things sitting right here." or "Oops! The hanger for your backpack is over there!"
Your child seems sad -
Imperative Language - "What's wrong?" or "What happened today?"
Declarative Language - "You seem sad." or "You look upset."
In any communication with young people it's usually helpful to give more processing time than you might think would be necessary. Also practice giving enough time for your child to hear, process, and act, rather than quickly assuming they aren't going to act.
Some examples of beginnings to Declarative Language phrases are:
"I wonder what would happen if..."
"I notice..."
"I realized..."
"I'm thinking..."
"How about we..."
"I'm not sure if you'd prefer..."
"If anyone would like..."
"I could really use..."
"This is where..."
"It seems like..."
"I left the _____..."
"I predict that..."
"That makes me/your sister/the dog..."
Importantly, declarative language shouldn't be used only for compliance purposes. It should leave room for a child to decide otherwise. While you may notice some shifts to lower conflict using this method, it's not a guarantee. Using declarative language allows for adults to get to know the inner workings of children in their lives, to deepen relationships, encourage independence, promote social understanding, and to allow children to build trust in themselves and with the adults in their lives. There may be times where imperative language is needed for safety. People trying this out for the first time WILL make mistakes, and that's okay.
Let us know if you try it out, how it goes, if you have questions, or if you're interested in additional information!
Here are a few favorite resources for additional learning:
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