Talking to Kids About Scary News and Events, and a Few Regulation Tips for the Adults Too.

Cara Gruhala
6 days ago
5 min read

We interrupt our series on starting therapy, for a post that goes out to all the adults who support children. Parents, teachers, nannies, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends and more; it can be so tough to know how to address scary things that happen in our world with the children we love. It can be even harder when we, the adults are having a hard time regulating our own emotions in the face of distressing news or events. As someone who has provided counseling to children for over 11 years, who has responded to my fair share of crisis situations both as a school counselor and in private practice, and who currently teaches counselors in training how to handle crisis planning and response in their future careers, I have gained a lot of knowledge over the years on what can be helpful.

Adults: Ground Yourself First

Even when things feel urgent to respond to, kids need us to show up as regulated, trusted figures. Kids will take emotional cues from us, and use co-regulation to manage their own feelings. It's important to know what things bring us back to a sense of safety and resilience, even for just the current moment.

If you're not sure what helps you, here are some ideas:

Physical Movement: If you are able, stretch, take a walk, climb up and down stairs a few times, or even better, move some heavy things around. These can all help you move back into a sense of being present in your body.
Change Your Sensory Input: Try holding or drinking something warm or cold, sniff a favorite scent, eat a mint or cinnamon candy or brush your teeth and notice how your mouth may feel different. Create a playlist at the ready of music that you connect with safe and calm memories. I feel very regulated by water so swimming, bathing, or showering are often "resets" for me.
Breathing: Try just focusing on a loooong exhale. Or, if needed try breathing in for a count of four, holding for a count of seven, and exhaling sloooowly for a count of 8. Breathing out for longer than we breathe in can signal to our nervous system that we are safe in the moment.
Connect with Others: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a counselor about how you're feeling.
Try to Take Breaks: Take breaks, when you are able, from news, social media, or even highly stressful situations. Make sure you're eating and hydrating.
Add Some Play: Toss a ball back and forth with someone, color or draw, play a game. Video games count, and one of my personal favorite regulating video games is Animal Crossing.

You can teach these to kids as well! Noticing even moments of safety, and being present in our bodies during those times, is a helpful skill to have.

Recognizing How Distressing News Affects Children

Children process information differently depending on age, developmental level, and other factors. Scary news or events can cause confusion, anxiety, fear, and a reduced sense of predictability and control in our lives.

Keep an eye on children for signs of struggle such as changes in sleep or appetite, increased clinginess or separation anxiety, withdrawal from family or friends, irritability or other mood changes, repetitive questions about the event (this can also be a normal part of processing), and physical complaints like stomachaches or headaches. These aren't necessarily emergency signs, but should be monitored. Additional support may be needed if they fail to resolve, or they intensify.

How to Talk to Children About Scary News or Events

Communicate clearly, honestly, and considering your child's age, developmental level, and history. Let your child lead. If they bring these topics up, don't negate or invalidate their feelings.

Tips for Effective Conversations

Ask Them What They Know First: If your child brings it up to you first, ask them what they already know. It is sometimes helpful to ask where they got this information.
Validate Feelings: Let them know it's okay to feel sad, scared, angry or anything else. Even if their initial source of information is not factual, validate that what they heard was disturbing and their feelings are understandable.
Use Simple, Clear Language: When you explain difficult topics, sometimes a single, simple, factual sentence or two is most helpful, followed by a pause to see if they have more questions. Clarify any misinformation they may have shared. For older kids consider helping them define fact from rumors.
Look For the Helpers: Teach kids to look for an notice people that are working to make things better, safer, kinder, or more caring for others. Mr. (Fred) Rogers got it right with this one, and many other of his teachings for children.
Encourage Ongoing Dialogue: If there are questions after your first steps of discussion, answer them clearly and concisely. Let kids know you are open to their questions and you want to be a person they can trust to help figure this out. Let them know that you're there if they think of more questions later, too. Be patient and validating.
Limit Exposure: When possible, reduce or limit access and exposure to news and media. For teens, sit down with them and inquire about some of their sources of information, teach them about how to find reliable sources, and teach them the importance of breaks. Help by inviting them to do something with you, or by setting boundaries, if you notice they struggle to take breaks.

For example, with younger children, you might say, “Yes, a scary thing happened today. It's okay if you have questions, and if you're feeling scared or confused. I'm here to do my best to make sure we are safe. I saw ______ helping people even during the scary times today. Do you think anyone else was helping?”

Helping Children Build Resilience After a Crisis

Resilience is the ability to adapt and recover from difficult experiences. Resilience can come from connection, wellness, healthy thinking, and making meaning of experiences. (APA, 2012)

Strategies to Strengthen Resilience

Maintain routines to provide stability.
Teach problem-solving skills through age-appropriate challenges.
Promote positive relationships with family and friends.
Encourage hope by focusing on positive actions and helpers in the community.
Support physical health with good nutrition, sleep, and exercise.

For example, involving children in community service or simple acts of kindness can empower them and build a sense of control.

When to Seek Professional Help

Sometimes children need extra support beyond what their caring adults can provide. This doesn't mean caregivers missed anything or made mistakes!

Signs to Consider Professional Support

Persistent anxiety or depression symptoms
Nightmares or sleep disturbances lasting weeks
Withdrawal from social activities
Decline in school performance
Expressions of hopelessness or self-harm

Consulting a therapist trained specifically to work with children can help them process these events, and reduce disturbing symptoms.

We've created this freebie printable on supporting children, for adults to use and share with others! Download your copy below: